I can be whatever

“I can be whatever I want to be”, she thought out, too loud for my feminine taste. “I swear I am not a victim of all that made me into this, so far. This body’s edges end somewhere, but they re-form elsewhere too, I believe. These muscles can stretch this much only,” and she flung back her arm in an awkward position to show me just how much, “but I can train them to stretch more! In a day, if I want to! And in just over a month’s time, if I really want to, I can even train them to wheel around 360 degrees. If I put my mind to it, I can!” 

She looked out of the clean spotless window to the beach with her chin lifted, her shoulders straight, and her chest puffed out to make a convex moon with her ribs. What a sight she was, disproportionate and bird-like. Those others were right when they said she’s ’too much’, but they were also very wrong because she doesn’t add up to much at all. 

Her eyes faltered for a second when she stretched her arm backwards earlier, perhaps adjusting to the sharp reflections of the sun rays against the velvety ocean surface, or, you know what? It was most probably because she knew that dislocating her shoulder to wheel her arm around needs a strength of mind that she may not want to have. 

Then, as if her eyes spotted something among the calm rolls of the water outside, the dark irises dilated and with a louder energy but softer voice, she thought another thing out loud, “Not everything can be done. No, that’s for sure. But I can still be everyone I want to be, you know? It’s like, right now, I can be made right from scratch.” 

She turned to my camera then, the sun fell on top of her lashes on that moment precisely to shadow the shapes of palm leaves swaying on her smiling cheekbones. I was not sure if this time her eyes faltered or not. But I knew that what can or can’t be done all depended on that falter and whether or not it occurred. 

I wondered, then, looking away from her twisted body and elfish eyes: When does the harsh necessary need to-become, turn into a delicious want to-just-be?

Beisan A. Alshafei

January 28th, 2020